You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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