Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
