Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
