Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
How's work?
Spinning.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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