Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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