i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Did I show you my penis last night?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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