If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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