one might say we're banned from that church
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
