his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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