i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
