Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
