Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
