first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
