I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
we're so committed to being not committed
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
