Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
