you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize