I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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