I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I could fuck to npr.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
