I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
