Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
