i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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