She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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