I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
