This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
