hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Randomize
