how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
