You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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