do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
