Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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