what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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