She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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