My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
