Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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