My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Randomize
