when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize