I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
