you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
