I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
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