I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
