Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
