you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
