The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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