What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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