32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
being pregnant is like rehab
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
