I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
