i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
