Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
