If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
