Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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