Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Randomize
