Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize