I can tuck mytits in my pants
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I want to be your penis for a week.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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