Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
