Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize