Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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