Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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