Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
